


Remember me, love

by Wizardinpyjamas



Series: Supernatural Season 15 Codas [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Dean Winchester Prays to Castiel, M/M, Response to what Jensen said about 15x09, Season/Series 15 Spoilers, episode 15x09, future coda?, idk how to label this, its not a coda if the episode hasn't aired yet right?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-04
Updated: 2019-11-04
Packaged: 2021-01-23 03:54:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21313762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wizardinpyjamas/pseuds/Wizardinpyjamas
Summary: So here's my response to what Jensen said in DC Con about Dean praying to Castiel in 15x09 and making a 'confession' about why he treated Cas the way he did.OH, and I forgot to add that this is me assuming they haven't seen each other since the end of 15x03. I know they probably will in the show but... I don't care.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Supernatural Season 15 Codas [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1537057
Comments: 16
Kudos: 63





	Remember me, love

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much to Vany for the support and advice, and mostly thank you for the lyrics and title help!

**** ** _I couldn't utter my love when it counted_ **

** _Ah, but I'm singing like a bird 'bout it now_ **

** _And I couldn't whisper when you needed it shouted_ **

** _Ah, but I'm singing like a bird 'bout it now_ **  


Dean paces back and forth across his room in the Bunker, trying to talk himself out of it. 

_ He left _ , he tells himself. _ He’s moved on, he doesn’t care _. But the pacing doesn’t stop. He sits down on his bed, pauses, and gets up. Dean moves across the room, as far away from his bed as he can get. 

_ This is stupid. _He rolls his eyes at himself.

He takes a swig of the beer that has been resting on the nightstand. _ Nope _, he thinks, and downs the entire drink in one go. 

He pinches the bridge of his nose as he feels the liquid settle in his body. 

Dean runs his hand over his face, through his hair, as he finally sits down on the edge of his bed, shuffling a little bit to get comfortable. His heart is racing, pounding against his ribcage in an irregular, anxious beat. 

“Heh, shit,” he says out loud to the empty room. “I haven’t done this in a long time,” he continues, as though the act of talking out loud will help psych himself up. 

Dean rests his elbows on his knees, leaning forwards. He plays with his hands between his legs, twisting the silver ring on his right hand. 

“Okay, Cas,” Dean says. “You got your ears on?” Dean nods slightly, the corners of his mouth twitching at the familiar phrase, a cloud of guilt and sadness stopping a smile from forming. 

“I uh… I feel like I owe you an explanation,” he begins, before mumbling “hell, you deserve one.” 

“See, the truth is, buddy…” He pauses. He breathes in. He breathes out. He breathes in. “I love you man.” He breathes out. 

“Shit. I pushed and I pushed because I knew I could. I couldn’t push at Sammy, he’s my little brother, I’ve got to protect him, that’s my job. but you’re... you’re _ Cas _, you can take it. You would never leave me. And then you did.” Dean stops talking as his voice breaks. This is the first time he’s let himself really think about what happened between him and Cas, the first time he’s let himself think about the way he feels. 

“I didn’t think you would ever leave me,” he says and a single tear escapes from where Dean was desperately trying to hold it back. “Why did you leave me man?” And then he’s laughing, raw and real, mingled with the taste of his tears. 

“Oh man, I have no right to even say that. I get it; I was a jerk, a real asshole. I would have done the same.” He takes a deep breath in, his hand coming up to his mouth, playing with his bottom lip, the other clenched in a tight fist between his knees. He sits there for a while, not thinking, not feeling. Simply existing. Because that’s what life has become without Castiel. He used to light up at the sound of Sam’s laughter or the look of pure joy on his younger brother’s face, but there’s not much joy to be passed around between the two brothers anymore, and Dean’s finding it harder and harder to rely on Sam’s good moods to brighten his days.

“Cas,” Dean whispers. “I’m sorry,” he says with a gasp, almost surprised to hear the words coming from his mouth. “I’m so goddamn sorry, Castiel.” He chokes back his tears one last time, and this time he speaks loud and clear. “I just want you back. I need you back. Please. I don’t know… Come home, man, we can work this out. I miss you.”

Then Dean rubs his face, gently slapping his cheeks a few times, and gets up to leave his room.

And maybe everything would have been okay. Maybe Castiel would have forgiven Dean Winchester, decided to at least hear Dean out, given him a chance to show Cas just how much Dean loves him. 

But Castiel doesn’t hear Dean’s prayer, his angelic powers having died down so much that Dean’s words were nothing more than a whisper in the wind, and Cas keeps on living, away from Dean, oblivious of the love that the man he gave up everything for was willing to give him. 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it! Sorry for the angst, I wasn't intending it to go this way but it ended up being what made most sense to me!
> 
> Kudos are like cake, comments are like big plates of nachos!


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